Stranger In The Room

The other day I was quietly photoshopping in the kitchen eatery enjoying a fresh cup of chamomile tea when a shiver run up my spine. Someone was watching me... but I thought I was the only one home all day? I did a quick Ninja Glance Survey of the room and out the windows... nothing. I started to get nervous, the highly trained fighter in me knows when to trust the gut instinct, like Wolverine when he smells something suss, Luke Skywalker when he detects trouble brewing in the Force (although that didn't stop him making out with his sister) or Buffy when that stabbing pain in her lady spot tells her a Werewolf is near or she needs to hit a cubicle asap. Then in a flash I knew what it was... the stereo... it was one of the old fashioned Philips ET Head Shaped Stereos from years back. I couldn't believe I hadn't noticed it before — it stood out like dogs balls now. Released in 2002 to commerate the 20th Anniversary of ET the movie, the notorious stereos were known less for their ET resemblance and more for their constant disc chewing, extreme flammability and electric shocking aerial. Eventually withdrawn from the market and dubbed ET: Extremely Torchable, they skipped over cult status and collectors item and went straight to the dumps in masses.


Old ET! I haven't seen him in years. Not sure what he's up to nowadays but I heard that he got extradited back to his home planet for trying to glow finger a senator's under age daughter at a fundraising event. Back in the Hey Day though, when he was shit hot (and he knew it – he's the only member of his entire race that doesn't wear clothes) back in the 80's we did a Christmas Duet album. Surely you remember it?


Such a classic Christmas album Christmas Hugs From ET & Man Abroad. Right up there with Frank Sinatra's The Christmas Album and definitely better than the burnable Hey Rudolph by the Tin Lids (Jimmy Barnes' evil spawn). Outstanding tracks songs like: Here Comes Man Abroad, ET The Glow Fingered Alien, A Child (Alien) This Day Is Born, Away In A Spaceship, O Come All Ye Faithfull (Or Your Towns Will Be Lasered Into Nothingness), Joy To The World(s), Man Abroad Is Coming To Town, The Little Drummer Boy (Is Cute Hey ET?), Silent But Deadly Night (SBDN), The Christ-Man-Abroad Song, and All I want for Christmas (Is An Interdimensional Armour Piercing Space Gun).

It was quite the commercial success and is still selling strong, almost catching up with my other highly awarded Christmas Album:


Man Abroad, A Very Sexy Christmas. Popular with the ladies during the festive season, it includes such memorable songs as; I Wish You A Sexy Christmas, A Child This Day (In 9 Months) Is Born, Bells Will Be Ringing (Baby), All I Want For Christmas Is Another Silk Dressing Gown, Here Cums Santa Claus, Is That Xmas Or Just Some Dry Skin Baby?, It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Seduction, The Twelve Days Of XXX-Mas, O Holey Night and Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow.


Both shat rainbows on the regrettable collaboration album I did in the early nighties. The Men Abroad Band was always going to be a quick cash cow for Man Abroad but proved to be damn near career suicide. That's what my producer Pisco Rodriguez told me and I was dumb enough to believe the turd whisperer. Take my advice and never work with children, animals, pussy little hairless boy band singers (the tantrums and non stop crying is what got me) or greasy Latin American Producers with gold teeth in white Panama Suits. The album included such unforgettable numbers as: We Five (Boy) Kings, All I Want For Christmas Is A Back Crack And Sack Wax, Away Is Our Manager, Boys To The World, The Nightwear Before Christmas, A New Dolce & Gabbana Store Is Coming To Town, It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Fake Tan, and The Most Wonderful (Hair) Day Of The Year.


Then there was the slightly more aggressive We Wish You A Militant Christmas album. This was a self funded project to say Go fuck a trash can to my ex-producer Pisco after nearly running my career into the ground. Pisco sacked me from his label (Completos Recorditos) without pay out, so I did what had to be done; taking heed from my own album, I molotov'd his house, burnt his cars, spit roasted his dog (as in ate) and pistol whipped him until I got my money back. Remember, you only get out what you put in. It included such hard hitting Miliant Christmas hits as; The Twelve Day Siege Of Christmas, Bombs Will Be Ringing, Away In A MiG-29, Deck The Halls (With Barbs Of Wire), Jingle Bells Rocket Launcher, The Night Raid Before Christmas, Silencer Night, Christmas Mourning, Molotov Cocktail Time Is Here and It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like A Counter Attack.

Possibly the pinnacle of the music industry, Christmas Albums are the Crème de la Crème, the Highest Branches in the Music Tree. There is little room for error with the discerning Christmas Music Consumer. They will chew you up and spit you out if you tread even slightly off track. I am tossing around ideas for the next Christmas Album, possibly with a tasty Latin twist...