A Boy Among Boys

Forget Boy Wonder and his tight little panties.


Forget that weird little rocket-footed-nipple-less-sissy Astroboy (how can he fly in space sans helmet without his eyes imploding? A slight oversight Tezuka, no?)


Please, PLEASE forget the 1990's Irish bowel movement that was Boyzone which rose from the depths of hell to terrorise the airwaves.


Forget Storm Boy and his unnatural relationship with a Pelican (sometimes kids shouldn't be allowed to play with animals).


Forget the fake boy that wanted to be a real boy (and lived with a dodgy moustached old dude)


Forget girls who look like boys (unless they are seriously hot, then it's okay-ish).


And definitely dip your mind in Draino to help forget boys who look like girls (that face scares me).


There's a new arse kicking boy about... the one and only Farm Boy. Able to eat ANY part of an animal (at least once) and stand steadfast in the face of charging geese. Nothing is too much for Farm Boy, you know what they say; A boy in the hand is worth two in the bush. And that has now been acknowledged by the community at large...


Here is Farm Boy winning Farm Boy of the Year for the recently passed 2009. Look at that sultry pout, so tough a boy, so tender a boy (that bovine is butter in his hands).


This is where Farm Boy lives. It's basic but real. No fancy lace curtains and mod cons, just four walls and a roof-ish thing. That being said, this is a pretty bad angle...


...yeah that's a bit better actually (must of had the flash on). It has half a dozen bedrooms upstairs for tourists to stay in and the kitchen 'n that downstairs, where everything is cooked wood fire stove style.


Here is a killer panoramic from another side of the house. Click it bigger Delia.


It might look like a bit like Grug with his eyes gouged out but that's just a coincidence. It's a Rukka, a traditional native Mapuche hut thing that the Ancients used to live in. Tourists come and eat in here and have BBQ's and the family use it for special occasions too.


Basically what you do is grab a carcass, shove a pole up its arse and out through it's mouth (or vice versa if you like) and roast it over the fire in the middle. It's nice in there albeit smoky as hell and I smash my head on the midget exit doorway at least once in every four.


I almost feel nauseous it's so damn green here. Besides the blue sky there are no other colours only 10,000 shades of green. They have water coming out their arse's here it's a bit obscene really.



There are three volcanoes nearby (two within eyeshot of the house). This and the previous (National Geographic Quality) photo are both Volcan Villarrica—notice the killer pancake cloud in the first shot. People ski it and trek it in hoards everyday. I was supposed to go up it the other day but they just had a fucking avalanche so that got put on hold for a while.


I am riding the bike everyday anywhere between 30mins and 4 hours. Therefore much to my dismay, I went to the city the other night for drinks and my new Lance Armstrong thighs don't fit in my sweet-as-hell-designer-black-Nudie-brand-jeans anymore. Looks like I am wearing spandex, you can actually read every number on the keypad of my phone in my pocket. But they are behind on the fashion steaks here (all the dudes are still wearing those repulsive pussy little mullety haircuts – I thought I'd seen the end of that a couple of years back). If anyone asks what's wrong with my pants I'll just tell them I am a Fashion Icon From The Future that has traveled back in time (at considerable cost) to fast track the rural clothing scene. Either that or I'll knee 'em in the pouch and run (as best I can with such tight pants). But I digress, I ride at lot and there are lots 'o hills here, dodgy pot holed gravel roads and nothing but head winds. Therefore I am working for it. I actually eat a block of chocolate everytime I go, just for energy.


And this is the chocolate I am eating up to two blocks a day of. The name says it all: cheap and fucking nasty (and sounds like a robot snack). But I need a little something something for the backpack and any desperate situations I might encounter. One of those blocks (which is actually only 80grams like a Mars Bars – that's not so bad yeah?) cost 300 pesos which is something like 65 cents. And Pucon is a touristy/expensive son of a bitch of a town so that will give you an indication of the type of quality I am talking about.


Snack Attack after a brutal 2 Hour Non Stop Up Slant Ride Because I Rode An Hour Past Where I Wanted To Go Due To Poxy Inadequate Signage type scenario. And yes, that's a tube of precious Vegemite cradled lovingly between my legs.


Another Pulitzer winning photograph. This is one of the Saltos nearby (maybe Salto China).


It's so lush with green stuff that its growing all the way up the rock face. And like this photo shows, it's disturbing to the eye because it feels like you are looking at forest from birds eye view not human eye view.


This same Salto had this wicked little wood carving. I thought seriously about flogging it (when in Rome...), but the logistics where too problematic. Then I thought about torching it because if I can't have it no one can. But I didn't have a light so I let it be.


After my initial Wooden Lizard impression you can imagine my disappointment when it was followed up by these two abused and under-appendaged monkeys. They needed to be put out of their misery.


Now here was some wooden mastery I could appreciate. Don't have a seat? Then chainsaw down a fucking massive tree and MAKE one man! The world is your oyster and the trees are your seats.


No idea what's happening here. I can't tell if it is an old sign for one of the thermal baths nearby or the remnants of many signs passed. Is it just me or does it look like a misproportioned mermaid with a Terrance & Philip head?


What's this then?


Looks kinda like Farm Boy took some shots from a chopper whilst out on an Aerial Cow Tagging With Dual Hand Guns Sans Seatbelt Joy Ride. Or maybe it's just artfully shot bridge moss? I guess you'll never know.


We are in the midst of elections right now in Chile for a new President. Luckily all the information you could need is plastered on every square inch of public space. You know, the kind of information you need to elect a new nation head to run your country effectively; badly photographed faces on worsely photoshopped backgrounds with a name and up to six word slogans (We Are Going To Live Better, I'm Less Bad Than The Other Guy, You Can Trust My Cheesy Grin, Vote For Me Or Else, I Paid For Better Photoshopping). At least it gives all the homeless dogs somewhere to sleep.


Speaking of dogs, this is possibly my best friend down here in the country (might have something to do with the fact that he's the only one that speaks less Spanish than me, or maybe not). His name is Guacho and he's a mental little puppy. He likes me because I give him more Pat Time than anyone else (who all have real work to do).


This is not what it looks like! No need to call the RSPCA (what are they gonna do? Fly all the way to Chile? Mooohahahah). That lion in the background is Tokki; a lovely dog with a old gorilla man rumble that smells like absolute shit. I can't pat him unless I'm about to go inside and have a shower it's that bad. He's as old as white turd though so maybe that's why.


Cheeky little fucker.


I knew farm animals were stupid, but this experience on the farm has opened my eyes to the depths of their stupidity. Why's that you ask? Have a look at this picture — that's a fucking chicken mothering baby ducks. All you have to do is shove her on some eggs for at least 2 weeks before they hatch and she can't tell the difference. When they hit the water for a swim, she skitters about dropping turds on the banks until they come back in. Unbelievable.


Yeah that's right, I use the river to wash my clothes man. Well, rinse them. There is a washing machine here but the bastard can't rinse. Don't ask me why the fuck not because my River Rinsing Back gets convulsey when I think about it. That water is as cold as a dick in snow too. And I'm so bad at it that half my stuff comes out dirtier than when it went into the fricking washer.


Check out the war wounds amigos, or Poo Wounds to be more accurate (all the brown stuff is pure turd). Lifting a small community of sheep (possibly the most retarded of all domesticated animals) into a walled truck did this. Look at that vicious hoof to the abdomen! Thanks Christ Almighty I didn't cop that in the face.


But revenge was had. I may have a bruised stomach but this poor fucker got it worse (much worse some may say). The house needed more meat so they when and got some the old school method. I watched it from start to finish, it was pretty gross indeed, albeit quick.


Not long after it was completely disassembled. The skin is used for rugs, and ALL parts are eaten.


Including this; coagulated blood taken immediately from the slit throat, left to firm up for 10 minutes and served with chilli, lemon and coriander. Yes, Farm Boy ate it as well. The firmer bits were alright but the pure runny blood parts were a bit rough on the guts.

There you it have dear fans. Man Abroad has shed his Fancy Alcohol Fueled Leather Hoody City Boy image for an Carb Saturated Thigh Enlarging Dirt 'N Shit Covered Farm Boy image. What's next you say? South American Catholic Missionary Boy? Bearded Tight Arse Hippie Backpacker Boy? Or Fancy Alcohol Fueled Leather Hoody City Boy once more?...