National Geographic: The Life Of (Inside) Insects

Don't get me wrong, Man Abroad is all man. But insects are not high on the Awesome List, especially as room mates. This is the country however and we all have to live in A Slaughter Free Zone (commonly referred to as Peace). Therefore, in the interests of science and keeping Man Fear under control I have embarked on a mostly peaceful documentation process of the abundance of insectoid lifeforms residing with me.

The Europeans have ruined another country by introducing every annoying plant and animal they possibly could. That includes the European Wasp, which seems a little less aggressive than the identical ones we have in Australia but they are fucking everywhere. I actually relocate any that stumble into my bedroom. Most of the houses here are made of wood, without insulation and a shitload of gaps so trying to keep them out would be as pointless as having a conversation with a fucking hippie backpacker.


These two lived in the communal bathroom. One stayed on the nest all the time and the other came and went as it pleased. They left me alone and I them. It worked well and I was looking forward to seeing the family when they hatched (or whatever the fuck wasps do). However, one day I noticed the Mum (or Stay At Home Dad) that is always there was not there. So I went about my business, hoping to touch base with it later. I won't go into details but some toilet brush action was required – I reached behind The John and grabbed it and in a moment of sheer Horror I saw a spider eating the Mum/Dad wasp in amongst the bristles. Overcome with rage (and inconvenience) I killed the spider in a horrible manner (no details necessary) and conveniently gave the wasp an Active Navy Officer's Funeral at the same time. To those that say a human can't love an insect I say taste my salty tears.


That left a broken family and abandoned children. So I did what any passionate scientist would do — I ripped it off the ceiling, photographed it, poked it a bit with a stick and threw it in the fire. Amazing little construction that, strong but soft, durable but highly flammable.


You can even see a little wasp dude in this one. Sure, its life was short, it never got to spread its wings, it's Mum/Dad got eaten by a Toilet Brush Dwelling Spider and it died in a fiery inferno — but that's the miracle of life.


Spiders on the other hand are a different story. If it's large-ish and moving quickly I will destroy it. And I will do so fast. This fucker skittered across the floor whilst I was barefoot so I launched my Hand Activated Arachnid Destroying Pulverizer (which occasionally doubles as a dictionary) and smashed it to hell and then some.


As you can see, that's not a recoverable injury and funnily enough it turned out not to be a spider either. Looks kind of roachy to me which also have to die, so all is good.


Now this was a scary scenario. He moved like Matt Shrivington across the floorboards and needed to perish (just like Shirvo if I ever see him — that'll be hard work too with such a small dictionary). This black beast was heading to Under Bed Territory where my Hand Activated Arachnid Destroying Pulverizer doesn't work too well. So I launched a Foot Activated Distraction Device (a dirty sock, seriously dirty, like, country dirty) causing the retard to turn around giving me enough time to find the Hand Activated Arachnid Destroying Pulverizer which was buried under my Arsenal Of Foot Activated Distraction Devices. Then I pulverized the fucker – and it was big man because it didn't splat when I hit it, and I don't hold back.



These two are residing in another part of the house that is outside my sleeping quarters so they won't be bothered. I had been keeping a close eye on them though. Chile has no real dangerous creatures at all except for one; The Rincon Spider. Which will most likely kill you if you get bitten. And I didn't know what it looked like so every spider I saw could have been a potential Rincon Spider.


I did my research and this is a Rincon Spider. I felt better knowing that all of the spiders I had seen in the house so far where definitely not Rincons. HOWEVER, the other night when I was brushing my teeth I saw something Yoyo-sized and brown out the corner of my eye on the ceiling (which in the Chilean countryside is about 10cm above my head). Just before it slipped into the generous gaps between the 'skylight' and the ceiling boards. And I am sorry to say the bastard looked just like this picture. So now I am very much On Toes.


Luckily, most of the spiders in the small ecosystem which is This House are after nothing but some fly action and lots of it.


Another fallen amigo. God Speed my friend.


Whoa. Sorry to interrupt guys.




There are more flies in the Australian countryside, that's for sure, BUT they have a horsefly thing here that is pant wetting in its largeness and as persistent as a Fat Drunk Gringo Hunter In A Foreigner Bar. I have been unable to photograph one thus far but here is a scale drawing that will give you a fairly accurate indication. They ruin any and every scenic walk on a hot day and make you want to slit your own throat with a blunt rock.


This gunshot like wound on my finger (which has taken three weeks to heal) came from an Insect In The Bed Moment. I was living the typical Chilean farmer night life by watching cartoons in bed, alone in the dark, when I felt something crawl across my hand. I moved a good three metres in one jerking motion and snagged my finger on the bed head. The culprit was never found and I wouldn't be surprised if it fell into that crater-like abyss of a wound.


There have been a few massive intruders into the Man Abroad Sanctuary that initiated a full scale and ruthless counter attack. This massive fella pissed off the wrong gringo. Luckily I was already in my Travel Combat Gear whilst pre-writing some hilarious emails when this hard shelled turd burglar busted in. And of course I fucked him up bigtime and made an example of him to scare of like-minders; flipped him on his back, called him names, put a bullet between all of his eyes, wrote I am Man Abroad's Bitch on it's exoskeleton, cut off his insect penis and shoved it in his insect mouth (both of which were more trouble than it was worth), took photos of me abusing it and pinned them up outside my door. There have since been no others.


This earth shatteringly sexy photo was taken with the safety of glass between me and the beast. Some tourists were coming home late so I turned the back stairs light on for them. It was a hot night and those ant things with wings went spastic around the light globe. And a platoon of these crafty bastards came out and gorged all night.


Snared!


The house is home to scores of freeloaders who stick to the cracks to avoid paying rent. It is rare that I will ever see any of them leave their houses but occasionally if I am patient or poke it with something long enough they will come to the door. These two biggies in the bathroom always interested me as to whom was occupying them. Then one day a steady stream of poking and insults revealed the occupant...


Well, fucking well. Look who it is. Old Rick Moranis finally did it; he shrunk himself and couldn't (or wasn't allowed to) get re-biggerized. Maybe someone finally realized that that franchise was the culinary equivalent of a Turd Sandwich with all the trimmings. He looks a little aggressive doesn't he, standing there like that in his trakky dakky's? Maybe he thinks the Paparazzi have discovered his South American hideout and come to disrupt him, but surely he is aware that they don't care for Nerd Burgers like him. He then threatened me with a series of impressive moves, forgetting that I could crush him with a toothbrush (but not mine of course, someone else's). I wonder where he learnt them? That is a pretty good stance he's holding there. It looks almost familiar...


Of course! He's been learning Mantis Kung Fu from a Mantis and a tough looking one at that. Murray was his name, he was a Chinese mantis that fled to Chile in the eighties when he accidentally burnt down an orphanage during a demonstration. He told me he had originally planned on decapitating and eating the Smarmy Annoying C&%$, but changed his mind and decided to teach him when Rick came through with some cash.


Now he's just trying to showing off. Like I care if he's got some money hungry winged hooker for a wife (although that is a dangerously decked out thorax she is sporting). And that baby of his, in my opinion, is fucking ugly (I hope it stings him in the eye when he's sleeping and they both die).


Then there is this pain in the arse that also lives in the bathroom. And the only redeeming feature about him is that he hates Rick Moranis as much as I do. He thinks he owns the basin and rides around on his girl bike hassling me every time I brush my teeth or stand there soaking in the magnificence of my new Farm Beard.


This guy isn't so bad and I haven't killed him yet (think of the splatter he would make!) but he does get on my nerves. He just stands there in the corner always asking what I am doing on the laptop. Fuck of Bug Boy or I'll snap off your wings and shove up your insect arse is my usual response.

So as you can see, it is indeed a diverse environment here on the farm. I have learned to be more tolerant of others different and inferior to me. Each day Man Abroad becomes even more of a man.