Valparaiso: that place with even more street dogs

Valparaiso is a pretty port city about an hour from Santiago where they have the National Congress or something like that. I headed there for the weekend with a mainly Brasilian crew plus a few other nationalities not worth mentioning. There are other interesting facts about this city, but given the shear amount of time I have already wasted trying to get this fucking entry up and running you can wikipedia the correctness yourselves.


This is for that cheeky Columbian fucker, Mr Convers.


First stop was the famous Chilean poet Pablo Neruda's house. There was a tour... which I opted out on because I couldn't be arsed and it was in Spanish so I would have learned nothing. So me and a few other like-minded individuals hit the beach!


As an Australian, I am a seasoned beach goer. The first thing you need after a wicked leather hoody and scarf combo to get the party started is a shit hot beach umbrella.


After a few initial problems with gail force winds...


...maximum beach perfection was achieved.


Ever the actress, Mr Convers requested these shots.



Mr Convers and Maximo.



There was a brief, scary moment with a dreaded Sea Lemon Wedge. It lures you in with it's helpless lemony goodness then goes straight for the face, not stopping until it has impregnated your eye sockets with its acidic parasitic spore children.


This is NOT as sacrilegious as it appears. As I was getting ready for a proper tasteful shot with the head of the famous poet, Mr Convers took advantage of my Columbian-villainy-naivety and snapped off this!


I thought this cut out of Pablo was priceless, for some reason they felt the need to add these povo wooden log feet which did nothing except confuse and disorientate me.


We then stopped for a quick bite to eat. What's this (and the following photo) you ask? Well, it's a complete miniature reproduction of the fucking restaurant on the front counter! Awesome.




This is as close as we got to the biggest swimming pool in the world (nearby at San Alfonso del Mar). The bastard is 1 KILOMETRE long! The arsehole security guard wouldn't let us go in and take photos/accidently jump in.


I don't what the children in this resort town did to deserve this kind of Terminator II apocalyptic punishment, but it must have been severe.


Being a pacific ocean coastline all the way, the water is most unapproachable. I haven't yet, and have no desire to, give it a crack.


When DIY spirit and disabilities come together you get rippers like this. You can ride this wheel chair anywhere, all day, whilst looking like you are sitting and relaxing in the garden.


We only stayed one night in Valparaiso in this beautiful little hostel. However, I was slightly disturbed and even repulsed by the unnecessarily close proximity of these toothbrushes to the toilet.


Don't ask me why this painting was on the wall or what exactly it is supposed to signify. Now that's cheeky.


We went to some massive, multi-level club thing that had dance music everywhere except in the basement where this metal band were thrashing out. No one liked it except me so I watched it alone. And no, there is no problem with the camera, that's what it looked like to me too.


Mr Lauwis and Mr Convers.


What's with Chilean's dropping into other people's photos with creepy David Lynch faces?


And the top-top floor was some outside salsa dance floor thing. This was taken five minutes before I stacked it in the mens toilet (only because it had random steps and piss/water/whatever else all over the floor). And for the next day and a half I wore the same pants with god knows what soaked into the backside, arse to foot.





Views from inside and outside the hostel. Looks beautiful but the whole city is steepy and steppy like this which I imagine would get tiring after a while. You couldn't even use a Segway to get around!


Enrique The Breastfeeder (long story but something to do with a jacket he wears that should be illegal), with some weird creature/mascot I have seen all over Chile. I think maybe during one of his Jedi-flexi holidays Yoda visited Earth and had it off with a few of the residents from Snorkland before bailing with his lightsabre between his legs. Then the Snorks, hating the sight of these hideous offspring, expelled them from Snorkland (which must be in the pacific somewhere) so these 'Snodas' have been forced to earn a living pushing cheap fast food products just to survive.




You call that a stomach you fat little git? Ave a geez at this!


Because Valparaiso is on such a slopey hill thing, they have these old school cable car pulley machines at various points — this is us exiting one such.


That hill bit in the background is Valparaiso and this is the beach at Viña del Mar, which is more of a Santiago looking resort town.


Initially I was shocked that no one was worried about this dead man lying on the ground. Then realised that some people prefer to be near the beach but not on it, sleep fully clothed on a towel in a coma position as close as possible to the car park.



Everybody of course got the giggles when they saw a massive billboard promoting my new album and requested I re-enact the pose for the camera. Gets tiring after a while, I can tell you, but without the fans I am nothing, so I shut up and do it.


Quite possibly the most jaded puppet master I have ever come across. Talented yes, but interested no. He wore a scowl the whole time that made me keep a very close eye on him.


Yes, good times indeed at the ol' Enjoy Cafe. Where you can order a Delight Latte, a Celebrate Focaccia or a Pleasure Salad.





We walked almost 45 minutes because, as they told me, there is an awesome famous clock that we just HAVE to see. You can imagine my disappointment when we arrived at this handless Jamie Durie masterpiece that doesn't even tell the time.