National Geographic: Death from Above

Like every place on Earth, there are fucking pigeons all over Santiago like a dirty street rash. Outside my bedroom from my personal balcony, there is a tree with weird little potato thingos on it. Soon after moving in I noticed there was a pigeon couple trying and failing to build a nest in it. For days they did nothing but demonstrate exactly how stupid a creature they are. Like a two legged, grey turd aimlessly kicking sticks around in what is not only the most vulnerable place in the tree but the whole street in general. Nesting in a bin or on a car bonnet would have been safer.


Have a look at it, staring at me like a moron just busted with its pants down. I have found better nests stuck to the bottom of my shoe. Remember, you don't need bachelor degree to high-five a nun. I had doubts that these two half wits had the skill set required to make eggs let alone hatch and raise them. Interested in the first few episodes, I wanted to see the whole series.


I heard a slight commotion outside (that wasn't the gas bottle man driving past playing some freaky choir boy music like the ice cream man every-single-fucking-day). There was some non-descript movement and I saw this; no pigeons, no eggs, just a fleshy little pink knob thing. I'm not a fully trained biologist but I was doubtful about the health conditions of this baby bird. After minutes of waiting, nothing was happening, I was getting bored and thinking about the half drunk beer on my desk. I returned inside but put myself into Hyper Aware Trigger Finger Photo Ninja Mode, touched base with my beer and turned Hans Zimmer back up.


My Hyper Aware Trigger Finger Photo Ninja Mode Senses told me something was up. Sneaking a sneaky peekmo over the window seal I fucking saw it man. A killer avian predator snacking on the fruit of retarded pigeon loin! As an avid fan of Grandpa Attenborough AND National Geographic I knew what I had to do. I changed outfits, added a bandera and sweatband, finished my beer and slipped into Hyper Aware Trigger Finger Photo Ninja Crawl Mode. I traveled half a metre in 6 minutes along the floor to the balcony, dozed for a minute, then peered over the edge, left the camera on auto (as per usual) and started snapping them off.


Look at him! (all birds of prey are male right?). Doesn't even know he's standing in a nest, just snacking on a tasty treat lodged randomly in a tree next to a stick or two.


Such as magnificent beast. I watched him (who I decided to name either Grim Daddy Avian a.k.a Stealth Daddy or Ponderous Avian a.k.a Scammer Loaf) snack for full 8 minutes before I might have made a non-natural noise that gave away my position. Look at the bastard STARE right through me. I then downloaded the photos, wrote a paper and sent a package to the good people at National Geographic and am eagerly awaiting a response.