Having well and truly kicked blogging's arse I thought, Why not have a stab at poetry? Can't be that fucking hard. And you know what? It wasn't that hard, as I think you'll agree. My only regret is I won't have enough time to translate it into Spanish and reap the sweet Latin rewards here in Argentina. Go grab a large box of triple-ply Kleenex, motherfuckers, cos you're gonna need 'em.
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If you were...
By Man Abroad
If you were a bin, I'd be the rubbish, filling you completely
If you were a tropical rash, I'd be the ointment, laying tenderly on top of you
If you were a shashlik, I'd be the skewer, holding you together
If you were a toilet, I'd be the bidet, remaining always at your side
If you were up Shit Creek, I'd be the paddle, giving you direction and hope
If you were a wilderbeest, I'd be the oxpecker, grooming your back for parasites
If you were a gun wound, I'd be the bullet, resting gently inside you
If you were a drunken school girl, I'd be the headband, keeping puke out of your hair
If you were a monkey wearing a hat, I'd be the cigarette in your mouth, increasing your credibility
If you were a crime scene, I'd be the yellow tape, keeping you secure
If you were a sauna, I'd be the unemployed, undies-clad Gringo relaxing inside you
If you were road kill, I'd be the dude that gets out of his car and kicks you to the side, so the birds can eat you as nature intended it
If you were a urinal, I'd be the little yellow cakes, retaining your cleanliness and purity
If you were a Fundamentalist Christian, I'd be your esoteric dogma, keeping your bullshit afloat
If you were a magazine rack, I'd be the ONLY magazine, Men's Health, draped lovingly upon you
If you were here, I'd be there too, just being awesome
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Dangerous Latin Lady
By Man Abroad
Cheap booze and second hand smoke
Leather-clad, lone wolf Gringo strikes as shady
Just a badarse, tight pants donned bloke
Looking for a dangerous Latin lady
Broken speech and phrases crude
Don't want no fucking Latin Marcia Brady
Witness the dicey ruse unfurl from a dude
Looking for a dangerous Latin lady
Liquor and bar room clouds conceal
Whether that bird's mug is somewhat spady
Perhaps an internet search has more appeal
Looking for a dangerous Latin lady
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Rivers of Empanadas
By Man Abroad
Pungent tangs smack the chops
Like yellow, triangulated jabs
Onwards flow the toothsome
Rivers of empanadas
Gather the creatures of Eden
Wed in petite golden Arks
Dock the Crafts of Savor on the
Rivers of empanadas
When overwhelmed by the evil
Spirits in the Moonshine
I disrobe as for a healing dip amongst
Rivers of empanadas
Emerge like a freshly squeezed out newborn
Breadbasket swarming with sexy flaxen angels
Breakdancing in league downstream as
Rivers of empanadas
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