Man Abroad Accepted into the Brother Wizard Society Chamber of Marvel for Extreme Awesomeness in the Field of Montage Wizardry

It's finally happened people. My Digital Necromancing Genius has opened the most important door there is: The Wizard Society Portal. Being the ignorant bunch of pettifogging fools that you are, I wouldn't not be surprised if you've not even heard of The Wizard Society. So let me get you up to speed. They are the most important human beings currently on the planet, a collection of Bearded Masterminds using their significant intellects to advance the human race and fund themselves through intricate internet scams (castles aren't cheap you know). The headquarters are in a secret mountain location guarded by genetically mutated Dobermans. These Dober Men are bigger than Arabian horses, can drive motorbikes and have the dexterity to shoot steel capped rubber bullets at full speed to ensure no unwelcome "tourists" bother the Brother Wizards whilst they go about their important work. And in a Twist Of Awesome, not only am I the youngest and best looking Brother Wizard but am the first to be accepted Without Application. That's right, I was headhunted by Brother Headhunter himself.

Here you can see me and some fellow Brothers one night went we into the forest the Conduct Magic (Wednesday night is Forest Night). I won't elaborate, you wouldn't get it. But most of the cool gang are shown here in Wizardic Order (probably a bit beyond your comprehension as it is highly complex and has no earthly points of reference): Warbutt The Nerf Herder, Bidet The Immaculate B Hind, Raven The Clean Shaven Maven, Gunther The Romantic Necrophile, Steven The Little Man, Peter The Brother Brother Of Steven The Little Man, Mal E Factor The Wrongdoerer, Manhug The Macerator, Pinworm The Intruder Duder and John Smith The Homogenist.


Here is my official Certificate of Brotherness. It's the size of a double bed and it was intricately face gnawed (or Chopper Chiseled) out of dragon ivory by three Virgin Maidens of the CC Art in the mountains surrounding the Brother Wizard Headquarters. More of a monument really, it recalls all the Trials And Tribulations of my ascendancy to Brotherhood. It lights up at night and plays Van Halen automatically whenever I am within 5 metres of it. The central panel also beds a Plasma Screen so I can watch cartoons and cage fighting whilst conducting magic in the comfort of my own Magical Nightgown.


Of course Photoshop creamed their jeans and insisted on a Special Issue to commemorate the occasion. Inside I discuss the Power Of Montage from my perspective as a Sorcerer of Magnitude. There is also a 3/4 life size pull out poster of yours truly mounted on a horse, staff in hand; one for the kitchen wall I say (or bedroom for all you single ladies). And the tightwads gave me nuthin for it, not even a fucking mouse pad. There will be Necromantic Retribution of the Highest Order, don't you worry about that.


Here is a power shot of the Brother Wizard Society Chamber of Marvel Headquarters. That's me riding with one of the Lady Wizards, and sister of Raven The Clean Shaven Maven; Haven The Clean Shaven Maven (she prefers to ride naked — and who am I, or her stallion, to argue?). An impressive looking construction wouldn't you say? I do believe they call it a Castle. But in a delicious twist, the original Grandmaster Brother that commissioned it as the Official Headquarters many hundreds of years ago, also strangely insisted it be made entirely from Ginger Bread with Confection Detailing. An interesting and truly Wizard idea, I'll confess, but the day-to-day practical issues of an entire, functioning castle made from ginger bread is quite shocking. We have diabetic rat plagues of unimaginable proportions and the fucking pigeons eat all the frosted barbed wire. That being said it does smell nice, especially on a hot summers day.


I was assigned a Brother Sidekick whom is supposed to undertake all my bidding, an underling as it were. His name is Bullwad the Adept Transmuter. He's a Gay Minotaur and I hate him. He's got identity issues of the likes I've never seen before and cries all the time, dribbling bull snot all over the place. I'm not sure what an Adept Transmuter is supposed to do, but unless it's crying, he doesn't fucking do it. I asked him to make me a Dulce de Leche Frappachino and fetch some Scotch Fingers the other day while I was balls deep in a session of Wizardry. And you wanna know what the half-caste fucker brought me (45 minutes later)? He stumbles in with an over-frothed Cafe Fucking Vienna and Dick Smith Imitation "Dick" Fingers! So I threw them at him, kicked him in the man udder and stormed out, Wizard Style.


And I'm seriously doubting what constitutes "Gayness" to a Minotaur, as one afternoon after doing Wizard Stuff I came back to my bungalo to find Bullwad naked with Wanda The Wonder (that's the Grandmaster Brother Wizard's daughter) apparently conducting a Bull & Horn Massage that requires EVERYONE to be naked. Either I need to get my head around Wizard Ethics or he's not Gay and she's a Wizard Slut.

And as you know, a Wizard ain't nuthin without a Staff in his man-ish grip. After Brother Acceptance, but before Brother Initiation, a Wizard develops his own Private Staff with the The Wizard Society's Brother Staff Master; Brother Staff Master. I sent him an email outlining my requests for what I would consider the Perfect Staff:



And THIS is the Pants Shitting Genius Level result. The Staff of Brother Man Abroad himself. Exquisite in it's detailing — the bear fur is as soft as butter (and for Wizard Level Impressions, those teeth open bottles), those tits feel real man, and at a pinch, those pirate guns are loaded and functioning. As to the other things the Staff does and can do, well, that would be very un-wizard like of me to disclose.

As per the norm in most Orders, there were a series of brutal Initiation Tests that I had to pass to rightly call myself a Brother Wizard; 1: seduce a Lady Wizard with a hand held Staff Performance, 2: subdue the Great Flaming Vagina in the Sky and, of course, 3: a good ol' fashioned Dragon Fight. I passed with flying colours, the best scores ever recorded. So good in fact, I was asked to put together a Powerpoint Presentation on the Trials that led to a Trilogy Of Books, to help fellow Brothers understand and prepare for their trials.




Available in a killer box set and with optional crooned audio tapes. It's a Must Have for any wannabe Wizard Kid.


And recently, Brother A Roma Of The Odor has developed the pinnacle in Cologne: Wizard for Calvin Klein. Guaranteed to force Lady Wizards into a competitive cesspool of violence just to get closer to your Divine Pheromones. Being the only non-deformed Brother and hence the most photogenic, I was the obvious choice as the Poster Boy of Wizard.

So there you have it people. You can now say you know a real Wizard. And no, you can't have a go on my staff. There have been known to be exceptionally exceptional exceptions to that rule however, if you know what I mean.

Now go away, I have some more Magic to do.