An In-Depth Study on the History of Beardism

The human male beard is probably the greatest achievement of Natural Selection since the evolution of the penis. Do you think it's a coincidence that the Grandmaster of Natural Selection, Charles Darwin (above), has a fucking beard? Not likely. As a highly regarded 21st century Pogonologist (that means someone who studies beards retard), and active participant in the Beard Phenomenon, I am probably the most important living authority of Beardism alive.

Beardedness, throughout history, has been associated with many of the highest qualities of human nature; social status, wisdomness, sexual attractiveness, higher quality of personal hygiene, larger capacity to gather and store food, greater chances of deterring a wild animal attack and so forth.


The Ancient Greek Philosophers regarded beard length as discharge from a brain that was overcrowded with smartness, therefore the longer the beard the wiser the man (that's the petrified bust of Socrates With Beard — looks like he wasn't that smart after all). The Germanic Tribes employed the one metre plus beard as the only true indication of whom was male and whom was female. The Vikings stiffened their beards into razor sharp swords with yak spunk and dueled to the death for first pickings of the Yak Spunk Casserole at Christmas dinner.


World's Longest Beards: For thousands of years, the human race has been fine tuning beard maintenance in a bid to bring one closer to The Great Beard In The Sky. The most dedicated have always been the subcontinental Asians, prepared to grow a beard so long and awkward that accidential sleep self strangulation, inadvertent toilet dunkings and death by rapid beard fire are real possibilities.

Barberism: Invented by the Communists in 1715 to stamp out originality. A hideous profession that's sole purpose is planet wide Beard Genocide. As the Holy Scripture of Beardism dictates—handed down hundreds of thousands of years ago from The Great Beard In The Sky to a bearded monkey (the missing link that begain our separation from the Homo Shaven to the Homo Bearded lineage)—that anyone who raises a hand against The Beard in ignorant fear, labelled Pogonophobitis, is a Commie Bastard that needs to be sent to an island and forced to own property.


Here's one of the Bloshie bastards now in his little Commie Conversion Factory. That sinister chair, that salmon shirt; the symbol of all that is unholy where he strips men of their ability to unique thought in a thick creamy lather.


And here's another sick Pinko Commie mutalising his OWN face, so strong is the Clean Faced Commie Dogma in some sectors of society.

You think the 1950—53 Korean War was about political division in a Post WWII environment? That's just Government generated spank off. The war was about Beards. The North Korean Commie Bastards rejected the ideal of the Patchy But Powerful Asian Beard whilst the more intelligent and tougher South Koreans embraced it.




Over the course of history the human Beard has gone through periods of repression and genocide. Numerous anti-female beard campaigns have been raged throughout the ages (and rightly so).


There was the British Government sanctioned Extermination War of the 1830's of the Bearded Bike Bitches of London.


And how can we forget the horrible and cheap, side alley 1900's Moulin Rouge man-lady spin off, Tarpaulin Rouge. The birthplace and eventual deathplace of the eye-gouging please-don't dance. One of the few things the French have ever succeeded at, the gender blurring tarp institution was razed to the ground with every beard in it.


Willie Nelson, another scourge on Beardism and possibly the only person who SHOULD be a clean shaven Commie Pinko. The Vikings almost pulled off the Braid 'N Beard combo but inevitably failed, were turned into Gnomes and sent to live in Middle Earth by The Great Beard In The Sky. What gives YOU the right Willie to publicly disgrace humanity? I mean, won't somebody please think of the children?


Pirate Beards: One of the highest branches in the Beard Tree, Piratism, for the most part, has thrown up some of the finest ever specimens of the Human Race. The combination of dirty hair, wicked puffy clothes, senseless aggression, abstract but manly facial hair, the designation of Wench to address all females and the adoption of living in a terrain not meant for humans. Just look at this mighty pirate child! He is still years from puberty but his beard is grander than most adult males could ever dream of.


But not all pirates got it right. For example, what the fuck IS this guy? A pirate? An Arab tailor? An out of work Chippendale dancer with an inclination to lippy and panda eye makeup now working at The Night Train? This half arsed bearded biatch needs to get some plank action (in a non-backstage Chippendale dancer oil room sense).


Sweet Baby Beard In The Sky! Sacrilegious and then some. Pirates, even the bottom of the barrel ones, are put to shame with this modern day aberration of Piratistic ideals. The Wench Maker has become the Wench. At no point in history EVER did Pirates wear G-Strings, let alone mount their rainbow coloured collections on the wall. Wannabe street sneakers and dumbbell glove combos also never made it into mainstream Pirate Society. And for the record, this obviously transgendered creature has a few genetic hiccups—what's with the T-Rex arms and the Stegosaurus groin head plate? He couldn't sword fight his way out of a paper bag.


Leonardo da Vinci: One of the smartest people ever. Leo had a fucking MASSIVE beard and that is why he was so smart and invented awesome stuff beyond comprehension in his era, like the helicopter, the Chia Pet and Totem Tennis. His beard was so amazing that it actually grew upside his skull and encompassed his whole brilliant head unit.


Teen Wolf: Incorrectly named Wolf, its actual scientific name is Monkey Boy Genetic Throwback. Hair billows from every square inch of skin making it extremely hard to wear any clothes with zips and forever rules out skin tight stone wash jeans. And fuck knows what agonies he has to endure wiping his arse. Whilst generally undesirable, Monkey Boy Genetic Throwbacks can have a few perks like; unbeatable air guitar performance, constant circus work and guaranteed frat party pity sex.


Hippies: Those hippie wankers of the 1960's brought shame and ignorance to Beardism with their fanciful floral vomitscapes and ridiculous ideals of 'peace.' Best case scenario is next time this dude tokes up his beard catches fire, aborts his face (after burning it a bit and breaking his glasses) and seeks asylum in secular society.


And the only thing worse than a hippie, is a body shaving media whore that doesn't even stand for the pathetic Arsetopian principles that real hippies stand for. That looks more like fluff riddled goat shit smeared on your face than a beard bro, lets be honest.


Santa Beard: I have always been an Anti-Santanic man myself and finally I have some concrete photographic evidence to back that opinion up. Sure, he has a fantastic, full creamed, sexy beard but he knows it and he uses it to his own unsavoury ends. He might hand out SOME presents to rich, first world children once annually but if you had half an idea of what crazy shit he did the other 364 days of the year you would rush out this instant and bear trap your chimneys.


Commander Riker—Beard To The Future: The time traveling future-history of the human race documentary, Star Trek The Next Generation, tells us that space will be conquered by the human race and it WILL be done bearded. Make it so!


Bearded Blunders: History has thrown up more variations of the Beard than you could poke your weiner at. Some highly evolved specimens and other outright illegal abominations as illustrated above and below. If you see anyone walking down the street sporting any of these Satanic Facial Combos you have legal authority to kick them in the balls and liberate their beards by fire as an Act of Mercy. No questions asked.







Possibly the most famous Beard of all is that of ancient Carpenter and Top Dog at JC Enterprises, the beardtastic Jesus. I mean, just look at that beard, like baby lambs wool, like a river of black butter, like a pit of bikini clad models wrestling in crude oil. Watch him wave off miniature buildings like he doesn't even WANT them. So strong is his belief in himself, belief in his beard.


And now onto possibly the greatest example of present day Bearded Wonder. Thousands of years of Bearded Selection have lead us to here my friends—the pinnacle of Beardism. I shudder to think of the dizzying new heights Beardedness will reach in generations to come. I think we have just found a new default Windows desktop background image hey? I don't like Diet Coke—I think it tastes like arse—but if some dude like this came into my office with a carton on his shoulder I'd go one for sure (the flames might make me a bit edgy though).


So there you have it. Beardism. Don't you feel more educated now? Stay tuned for my next definitive study of Moustaches, where once again we will discover the origins and eventual mastering of the Mo. In the interim, here is a Mo Snack to satisfy your appetites; Topless Mo Man Clutching Baby Land Dolphin Action.