On the Road (with Bus Boy)

I have caught more buses than Peter Andre has had chest waxes. Only Brahma himself could count them all on his hands. That must be a lot of onboard movies then, I hear you say? Surely, you presume, I have watched dozens of classic movies in my numerous trans-continental comings and goings? Well you’d be wrong, as well as an idiot. In fact, all buses in Chile and Argentina have televisions and DVD players but only half of the buses decide to use them. Obviously the driver and the Tits On A Bull assistant are too busy up in the front cabin pointing out roadside litter to each other and drinking Mate (a type of tea they go apeshit for here). And when they DO play a movie, they manage to fuck the experience in new and ever more ingenious methods. (A) No sound, with Spanish subtitles half off the screen or too small to read. (B) No sound, no subtitles, but available ear jacks in the seat that don’t work. (3) The bus is driving so fast, or the driver is so spanked out on Mate, that the movie randomly skips scenes giving you no hope whatsoever of following the already emaciated ‘plot’ of cinematic epics like; Dragonball, The Princess Diaries and all Wesley Snipes movies. If you are going to play trash then at least play REAL trash with integrity, like American Ninja, Rambo or anything from the Van Damne Collection.

That’s right, I am currently on a bus on the way to an airport in Punta Arenas (very south in Chile). To my surprise they actually put on a movie. I was excited, and what’s more, it looked like a Robert Downey Jr movie (I want to be RDJ and have his children). It's Sherlock Holmes in fact and subtitles came up in Spanish meaning the movie must be in English. Hell yeah! That’s an unexpected dream come true. Well guess what morons? The Lips On A Duck assistant put the volume on so low (before running back for another Mate and Eye Spy Roadside With My Little Eye Something That Begins With R…) that I could only make out what was being said when a middle aged woman was screaming it.

So now I have SEEN Sherlock Holmes but all I can tell you about the movie is Robert Downey Jr is in it, he somehow is an 18th century English Kung Fu Master, Jude Law has a wicked moustache, both got blown up in a factory explosion with not much more than a face scratch each, the English were fucking useless close range shooters a hundred years ago and the token bit part actress was smokingly hot and not even mildly English.

That being the case, I have successfully seen NO entire movies in SEVEN months of continental bus traveling. Does anyone else feel sick here? Now if you’ll excuse me I have to get to the airport to wait 6 hours until 4-fucking-am to catch a 2 hour plane flight where I guarantee you they will not play any movies except short animated ones telling me to remain calm as the plane nose dives into the ocean whilst all the air gets sucked out of the cabin. If you want me to stay composed in that situation then you better taser me in the chest because I promise you I will be screaming like a drowning piglet as I claw to death everyone around me in an airtight performance of text book hysteria.

Isn’t that fucking fantastic — just got to the airport and they don’t have wi-fi. So now I am sitting in an abandoned airport for 6 hours with nothing to do, nowhere to sleep and drinking coffee made by a robot that tastes like micro-waved bin juice. They do, however, have ONE power point I can use, over by a rack of arse punishing chairs that look like they bought them wholesale from Guantanamo Bay. Good times. Good times indeed. There better be some serious snacks on this flight.