Hay Fever: The Devil's Invention

Who else would invent an extremely irritating, non-fatal, seasonal kick in the balls like hay fever other than The Prince Of Darkness himself? Terrorists? Scientologists? Maybe. Like a delicate flower, Man Abroad is cursed with skin as prone to reaction as an Acute Albino Fat Kid With Diabetes Eating A Black Forest Cheese Cake Shirtless In The Sun.

And so that you can send me some Trans-Pacific Bleeding Heart Sympathy Thought Parcels, I’ll just list of a few of the more memorable Farm hay fever Moments for you: Picking raspberries = arm rash for a day and a half. Hand moving bails of hay = two day, burn victim like arm rash with matching chest and stomach rash of a near Dive Under The Tractor Wheel or Spade Me To Death Please Chilean Grandfather like intensity. Bike ride through the hills = 6 hour arm rash, one eye fused shut and 50% of bodily fluids lost through nose. Cow herding in hill property = 4 hour arm rash, closed eye and a throat that feels like a bird got caught in barbed wire, flew into my open mouth (mid sneeze), got snagged and started to panic. Wake up in the morning and walk into the kitchen = begin the random firing of the sneeze gun and non-stop snot hose action whilst hand preparing breakfast for tourists — Occupational Health And Safety Standards? Here? You’ve got to be fucking kidding. If you can, whilst sweeping, stumble across a baby duck carcass chilling under the stove for Van Halen knows how long then there are no problems warming slices of bread between your butt cheeks before serving, or topping up the coffee pot with dirt for that rich coffee colour.

Hay fever IS a disease, and a crippling one at that and should be recognised legitimately like AIDS or Syphilis. I need government assistance to cover medical expenses; up to 300 tissues a day, recompense for the hankies that fell beforehand, the equivalent of a gallon drum full of Pawpaw cream for the mangled face and rashes, band-aids for the skin that gets scratched off, time lost whinging and especially those bullshit hay fever tablets that work when they feel like it. If I ever meet that Rhinocort fella I’m going to shoot him in the knees, chainsaw off his horn and sell it on the Black Market (eBay) at below market value, then shoot him between the eyes as he watches the final successful bid. A bit harsh you say? Especially seeing though he is a ‘Police Officer’ as well as a sell-out African Savannah Rhino-whore? Not when you’ve been through what I’ve been through man.

As the wise old saying goes; You go through life being told there's justice, then you learn the only real justice...is the justice you take – Eric Cartman, philosopher/fat kid.

Better watch your back officer—Man Abroad doesn't care how endangered you are.