Man Abroad Global Patented Crotch Deployed Anti-Farm Dog Protection

I have spent enough time in South American to respect and fear the power of DOG. And none so more than the rabidly unpredictable Farm Dog, capable of jumping you unawares on your mountain bike like a hairy, foaming, four legged ninja. They are also known to work in packs, similar to the much feared human Gringo Hunters (maybe they went to the same school?), to up their ferocity and ensure you shit your pants as a minimum whilst they rips chunks of dignity from you.

With my own interests in safety first, commerce second, that leaves YOU, the general public, at a respectable third. Ideas a plenty, I locked down into an intensive One Man Research And Think Tank. Now I emerge with a complete range of moderately priced, Never-Fail Crotch Deployed Guarantees to clinch 100% victory in all potential Dog Attacks.

As long as you are wearing both pants AND a metal zipped pair (no buttons — otherwise the puppies can't get out) you'll be laughing your arse off as events turn your way and you watch that rabid canine get midget beaten, lasered, burnt or an exciting combination of. Without further ado...


Hot Crotch Pump Action Dog Seeking Laser Cannon
Once again, Nasa technology finds use back here on Planet Earth. Originally designed to melt potentially deadly asteroids, Man Abroad Enterprises illegally downloaded the blueprints, sent them to Poland with a cheque for $75 Australian and awaited the posted electromagnetically radiating goods. Not only will you kill the potentially encephalitis educing beast but you will gain the satisfying man feeling of completely vaporising another living creature — a feeling once isolated to the fictitiously sexy realms of Star Trek is now yours to own and revel in.


Rocky Balboa Hydraulic Crotch Fed Snout Jab
Feel the Eye Of The Tiger as a 2 foot, talking Rocky Balboa shoots, hydraulically, from your denim clad tiger den and delivers a guaranteed TKO punch snout side to your four legged opponent. Feel like a true champion as your crotch dwelling Italian Stallion delivers the fatal blow screaming Your gonna eat lightning, and you're gonna crap thunder!


Crotch Launched, Genderless Sex Puppy Distraction
Watch your once fuming, now frothing attacker change tact instantly as it's bedazzled by half a dozen sex puppies spewing from your groinal region. Trained in the high art of Fatal Seduction, the assailant (even desexed) will succumb to the pheromone dripping pups. These Canine Sirens seduce with sexy Dog Whimperings and Arse Parades, but unlike their Greek Demi-God counterparts, they don't lure their victims to kill themselves by drowning or shipwreck, but, in a slightly less sexy manner, they suddenly turn, fall upon and devour the victim like a fat chick, alone at a Sizzler Buffet.


Groined Chained Elvis Chimp With Ninja DK Donkey Punch Combo
Confuse your adversary with a class act, groin chained chimpanzee Elvis show whilst Donkey Kong slips out unnoticed, ninja-ly gaining the canine's rear before Donkey Punching the bastard into oblivion. Demonstrate the superior power of Simian DNA to this inferior Canis lupus familiaris as you triple team your way to certain victory with an awesome soundtrack.


Crotch Deployed Midget Street Fighters
Feel the power of the worlds best groined sized fighters as they gang beat your adversary into a Doggy Bag of Pain. These are, undoubtably, some of the most dangerous street fighters in the world and will spare no pains in special combo-ing your four legged fiend solely for the Honour Of It. Stand back and enjoy the show as you see your foe Shoryu-ken'd into a flaming shit pile amongst screams of 'Anyone who opposes me will be destroyed' and 'A clenched fist speaks louder than a hundred words.'

Now you can walk and ride the countryside in smirky comfort — safe in the knowledge that your pants pack the firepower to crush, in an amusing and affordable manner, any and all Dog Attacks.

Thank you and you're welcome.